vicissitudes

2011-01-27T06:57:00.003+08:00

2010-05-21T08:57:00.004+08:00

when i was young, i dreamed of becoming a film actress. i became an actress alright but solely on the stage. i did a dance-drama, a musicale, a monologue, a drama, a comedy but always, always on the stage. performing onstage is one of the most rewarding feelings i have ever experienced. and i still keep on doing it whenever the opportunity arises, regardless of whether i get something in return. acting by itself is an art form and a passion that i would really pore countless hours for it. oftentimes, pro bono.

now, an opportunity presented itself: acting on camera. whoa. is this my dream come true? when i learned more about the project, it was actually more about my dreams coming true; it's about using your talent to help a greater cause. instead, you are an instrument in making other people's dreams come true. you are actually helping in making kids' dreams materialize and giving them more time to actually see it. alive.

"buhi" ("alive" in english), is a short film about coping with pediatric cancer. dr. henry grageda is the scriptwriter/director while kkk (mga kaibigan ng mga kabataang may kanser), spearheaded by dr. socorro martinez, is the producer. at the helm as director of photography is award-winning indie film director and artist oskie nava ably assisted by che and frances lacuesta. this is a project that aims to raise awareness and, hopefully, funding for the treatment of kids with cancer. the recipients of this project are families based in iloilo with children with cancer who are too poor to cover for their chemotherapy treatments, among other things.

i play the role of risa, the mother of the cancer patient, nina. (nina is the name of one of the kkk's recipients who recently passed away). destitute, the family still finds a way to make sure nina's health is attended to. the story revolves around nina, her dreams, her family especially her brother, the hospital staff, and the other kids with cancer. it's a story of hope.

also in the cast are some of the members of up teatro amakan alumni association, my theatre group. playing the role of the father of the cancer patient, Jose, is Ramir Ocbena, who is also no stranger to indie cinema; the cuckoo herbalist, Nang Sima, is played by Andy "Baboy" Cortez, who is a professional singer; and, playing a true-to-life role of a doctor is cancer-survivor Doc Ping Norada-Montebon as Dr. Ylagan, Nina's doctor.

the kids' in this short film are amazing! AC plays the lead role, Nina. Lady plays MacMac, another cancer patient. John Ross plays Dario, the brother of MacMac and the love interest of Nina. Armel plays the super adorable role of Nonoy, Nina's younger brother. Also, joining the kids' cast are Lirio, who will play one of Nonoy's playmates, Jenny; and another kid who will play Loloy. (Loloy is still not identified at this point).

other supporting cast are: John Ross' older brother, Christian, as Nurse Virgilio/Nurse Virgie, who is actually a nurse; Dr Jude "Ms Never Never" as the real-life KKK volunteer, and the many extras who gamely and generously gave their time to this production - from the Iloilo to Guimaras wharf and back, at the Guimbal Hospital, etc. My PA, Joy, was also included in the cast!

of course, former co-worker, Amy Tudence, herself a KKK volunteer, is our coordinator and "cakeholder."

on hindsight, i never really imagined this dream of mine to act on film to happen at all. i'm not young anymore and i'm married so all dreams of living the life of a celebrity was for me not a possibility. but, what i lost sight of was that i dreamed the life of a celebrity; not an actor. and this project brought me back to reality - yes, i can act and perhaps really act well enough to be on film. i may never get celebrity status but this is way better!

i have big hopes for this production especially for the cause it represents. i've seen two of the recipients, leukemia patients Sander and Acel, during our workshop, and i was really moved to tears. they're just about the same age as my nephews and i can't help but think that they still have a lot going for them. if there's anything else we can do just to extend their lives a bit longer.

a little bit. this is what this short film about. a little bit of passion, art, compassion, time, effort, talent, love, and all things in between.

you can really do more with a little bit.

2010-05-15T07:00:00.002+08:00

tiger shrimps in aligue sauce Php 130.00

when in iloilo city and when craving for some seafood, troop down to freska restaurant in smallville, mandurriao. my favorites are: oysters in four-cheese sauce and managat en papillote. lately, we discovered this scrumptious dish, tiger shrimps on a bed of crab fat sauce or aligue sauce! and for the cheap price of Php 130.00 it is so worth it! my hubby loved it so much. just don't order it often. crab fat is fatal! :)

2010-05-03T09:38:00.002+08:00

our carpenter is so talented. we showed him a cabinet design in a magazine and discussed the final look with him. using our stock old mahogany wood, he whipped up this elegant piece of furniture for us! we'll just put on a natural stain and yes...we have our own custom-made closet.

2010-04-28T10:18:00.007+08:00

it took me awhile to choose my candidate for the next Philippine president. mostly it had to do with the process of elimination based on standards i set for myself: (1) competence; (2) leadership qualities; (3) intelligence; (4) compassion; (5) a good representative for the country in the international arena.

at the outset, though, my eyes were already drawn on Gilbert Teodoro. he was like a whiff of fresh air from all the familiar names and faces that presented itself to me.

before i detail why Gibo fits my bill for president, here's a rundown of where i am coming from:

my government exposure/work experience has brought me from the sangguniang kabataan (pioneer batch) to a presidential assistant's office (Visayas) to the supreme court and to the senate. i have a legal background and i've been around politicians and celebrities to know how power, in its many forms, works. i've also met local, national, and international figures and i know how much authority one should muster to get some action or at the very least get your message across. i've seen good ones; bad ones; rotten ones. i've run the circles from the executive branch of government to the judiciary and the legislative. i've talked to victims, oppressed people, disenfranchised individuals and communities, stakeholders, proponents, visionaries, leftists, bureaucrats, yuppies, the rich and the famous, the poor and the poorest of the poor. i can say that i have more or less have encounters with the marginalized sections of the country and more or less have an inkling, if not informed knowledge, of each and everyone's pain and desires. with all these tucked in the deepest recesses of my brain and each one ensconced in the caverns of my heart, i have more or less an overall concept of what we need as a people in general.

and, so my quest for the next leader of the land begins.

first, competence.

is he qualified to be the next president of the country? albeit the philippine constitution only requires that one can just read and write and run for president, we all know that this is not telling. and probably one of the reasons why we should change the constitution. don't you think that this is quite an affront to the demands this position requires? literacy is not enough. one should have the ability to perform a task. and what is this task? to head the nation, stand his ground and give wise decisions.

which brings us to the second criterion, leadership qualities.

what to you is a definition of a good leader? is it all about wielding power to get results? or, is it having the requisite title that defines you as a leader? if you've read lao tzu's "tao of leadership," you will understand that one of the characteristics of a good leader is to be like the water - strong but yielding. you must muster enough command from your peers without being an authoritarian. you respect the opinions of your advisers and the people around you but without compromising your own take on the issue. you listen, you weigh, you ponder, you decide. your wisdom will make you a good leader and will warrant obedience from your people with the least resistance.

intelligence comes third.

in my study of early childhood education, i have learned that there are multiple intelligences of a child. our old concept of intelligence is only anchored on achievements in school. this is not so in the present concept espoused by howard gardner. as we are all created uniquely, we all have different fortes, so to speak. i am generally verbal/linguistic and musical/rhythmic intelligent than my husband but he has displayed a superb mathematical/logical and bodily/kinesthetic intelligence than i have. who is more intelligent? it depends on where you are placed in this world. in my world where words, music, and art reign supreme, i excel. put me in his world of sports and mathematical equations, i falter. thus, in a world of politics, leadership, command, good decision-making, and authority, i want someone who fits this world perfectly. to a T. :)

fourth is compassion.

more than just being all mind and brains, a good president should also have a heart. technically, it's still in the brain where the hypothalamus, the seat of all our emotions, is located, but let's wax romantic and use the heart as a symbol of compassion. more than just empathy or feeling for someone, one is compassionate when he or she goes out of his or her way to do more than just feeling for something or someone. it is a call to action - not confined in your thoughts, your hopes, your dreams, your ideas - but manifested in your actions.

last, good representative for the country in the international arena.

we live in a world where world leaders fraternize with each other to address global issues. brilliant minds attract like minds. we should not fall short in this department. we need someone who can make us proud in a sea of nations. in a UN convention, for example, our president should be able to hold his/her ground well and have the power to influence and be an effective catalyst for change. it's not even a bad idea to pitch in someone with good looks, regal bearing, and a commanding presence.

if you've read F. Sionil Jose's Philippine Star article on Gibo as well as many other relevant articles about Gibo, you will know that based on his roster of work experiences as well as educational attainment and personal background that he is all these and more.

why not the other candidates? it's not my intention to irk anyone. i believe that you do not have to put down others just to gloss over your candidate's qualifications. just focus on what he has to offer and leave it at that. i just want to let it be known how i came to my decision and chose him over the others. he passed my standards with flying colors. i saw him for the person he is and the vision he has for the country and not for the party he is carrying. in the end, one' s loyalty to a party ends when loyalty to your country begins.

this coming May 2010 elections, one thing is sure. i am voting for a better Philippines in the able hands of Gilbert "Gibo" Teodoro. i pray that he will steer the country to greater heights.

God bless the Philippines!

2010-04-24T10:54:00.001+08:00

happy birthday, honey.

you rock.

love you.

honey :)

2010-04-22T05:22:00.004+08:00

if i were to walk down the aisle with wewin all over again and profess my vows of love, i would be saying these lovely words from Lamb's Gorecki:

If I should die this very moment
I wouldn't fear
For I've never known completeness
Like being here
Wrapped in the warmth of you
Loving every breath of you
Still my heart this moment
Or it might burst

Could we stay right here
Until the end of time
'Til the earth stops turning
Wanna love you 'til the seas run dry
I've found the one I've waited for

All this time I've loved you
And never known your face
All this time I've missed you
And searched this human race
Here is true peace
Here my heart most calm
Safe in your soul
Bathed in your sighs

Wanna stay right here
Until the end of time
'Til the earth stops turning
Gonna love you 'til the seas runs run dry
I've found the one I've waited for

All I've known,
All I've done,
All I've felt,
Was leading to this
All I've known,
All I've done,
All I've felt,
Was leading to this

Wanna stay right here
Until the end of time
'Til the earth stops turning
Gonna love you 'til the seas run dry
I've found the one I've waited for

The one I've waited for

Wanna stay right here
Until the end of time
'Til the earth stops turning
Gonna love you 'til the seas run dry
I've found the one I've waited for

The one I've waited for

The one I've waited for

2010-04-20T08:36:00.002+08:00

i took up educational units while i was taking up law in the 1990s and it was eventually nullified because of double enrolment. i gave up education and prioritized taking up the bar exams. (which, looking back, should have been the other way around! :)) then, i eventually took up a masters' course in early childhood education in dlsu while working at the senate early 2000 but didn't get to finish it. i went home to iloilo city and transferred to wvsu where i am currently on leave.

now, an opportunity presented itself. i am going to teach music, drama, and games in an elementary school. and i am quite scared. all this time, everything that i have learned has been in theory and now the application part has come. i know i am ready but...i don't know if i am confident enough. i want to be prepared about this and i have so many things that i think about that worries me.

will i teach well?

will the students get me?

will they like me?

will i be a good and effective teacher?

what happens if the students misbehave? how should i handle it?

how should i handle grade 5 from grade 6/7 to grade 8 students?

can i really make them sing as a group?

will their voices blend well?

will i be patient?

aaahhhh...

trust me to pray all the time about this.

2010-04-14T15:17:00.001+08:00

this was taken a year ago and i still look fat in this photo! hahaha i have since lost weight - thanks to a regular exercise and sensible diet.

but i don't care if i look fat...i just love how i am with my niece, cloie, in this pic. she looked so lost here and couldn't be apart from me. but now...well, i hope she still misses me. on may 4th, 2010, she would have been staying in the US for a year now.

miss you baby close.

mommy inday

2010-03-11T22:22:00.002+08:00

transitions always scare and excite me all at the same time. the uncertainty of something piques me but it also makes me hesitate. this tentativity, so typically Libran, is truly killing me and how I wish i were less of one. but there's no escaping who I am.

so, yes, I am forever thinking and weighing things....

2009-11-21T20:27:00.003+08:00

It's been a year!

I'm on my Multiply page all the time but I miss this page. My first blogspot.

What I like about this page is that it's not that public unless you purposely seek it out.

So, I can more or less express my thoughts freely and without inhibitions.

2008-10-31T17:02:00.003+08:00

my everdearest sister,

i want to make your life easier by giving you my wish list.
don't forget to get me at least 7 of the following items, ok?

love you! *wink*

love,

your fabulous sister *hugs and kisses*

-----------
1. MAC Fluidline Gel Eyeliner in Blitz, Glitz
2. MAC Mineralize Eye Shadow Duo in Play on Plums
3. MAC Tempting Eye Shadow X4
4. MAC Clear Brow Finisher
5. MAC Studio Tech Foundation
6. MAC Mineralize Satin Finish with SPF 15
7. MAC Select Sheer Pressed

2008-10-25T19:31:00.002+08:00

christmas market bazaar, nov 28-29, 11AM-9PM, cap auditorium, iloilo city

look for my booth!

my product showcase:
round bag hooks, gem bag hooks, crocs cellphone holders, organic food products, organic personal care products, accessories, foodstuff, giftwrapping, and a lot more!

2008-10-08T17:45:00.000+08:00

birthday wishlist part 2

2008-10-08T17:39:00.000+08:00

birthday wishlist part 1

2008-10-07T20:07:00.002+08:00

after several years of absence in the campus scene, the upv teatro amakan, is back in upv through its alumni association's efforts spearheaded by mona pico.

first activity: auditions for the next batch of artists from the city campus-based students of upv.

shown in photo are NOT the students who auditioned. hehehehehe

2008-09-20T22:43:00.006+08:00

After a long hiatus from the stage, I finally got to showcase my acting and singing talents again in the UPV Centennial Celebration through the restaging of the "Iloilo Sarswela: Padayon and Istorya," where I played the roles of "Tiburcia" in "Tiyangge ni Takay," "Emma" in "Pinustahan nga Gugma." In our Assumption Iloilo production, I was given the chance to perform as "Kadiling" in "Dumut cag Huya."

Love for the theatre and for my alma mater. Don't you just love drama in your life once in a while?

(IN PHOTO: While waiting for the show to begin, UPV Auditorium,with Charmaine and Pingping.)

2008-09-15T21:25:00.003+08:00

what a delightful surprise! krispy kreme came out with 4 delightful creations depicting the 4 teams in the uaap finals (showing the school colors) - dlsu green archers (shown in photo), ateneo blue eagles, ue red warriors, and feu tamaraws.i'm really not into the uaap hullaballoo but i just found these colorful concoctions so delightful! another perfect excuse to try something new. hehehehehe

i married a green archer so it's the green and white donut for me!yum!

2008-05-12T11:05:00.002+08:00

coach wewin and his kids. together with coaches edu and rodney on the first day of the 1st tonyboy espinosa basketball clinic at the iloilo sports complex covered gym.

2008-03-26T18:33:00.000+08:00

2008-03-20T15:38:00.002+08:00

A MANG INASAL and DECO'S EXCLUSIVE

SUMMER BASKETBALL CLINIC FOR KIDS (ILOILO CITY)

by Coach Tonyboy Espinosa

-Coach, Nike Elite Basketball Camp,Manila

-Coach, CoachE Basketball School,Manila

-Ex-Pro Pointguard, PBL,RPTEAM,PBA,MBA,NBC

-DLSU Green Archers, UAAP MythicalTeam

-CPUDHS Varsity Player, PalarongPambansa Runner-Up

Beginners' Program

Categories:

A.6-9 years old

B.10-12 years old

The first 15 registrants who canpresent a single food purchase receiptworth Php 500.00 or more from any MangInasal and Deco's branch will beentitled to a Php500.00 discount.Purchase period is from March 22 -April 5, 2008.First come, first servebasis. Only 30 slots available.

Registration fee: Php 2,000.00inclusive of a jersey uniform,basketball, and a certificate ofcompletion at the end of the clinic.

It's summer! Time to play ball!

Clinic runs from April 6-10,2008.

TEXT OR CALL 0922 6255396 FOR MOREINFORMATION.

2007-11-02T21:49:00.000+08:00

meet my husband, wewin espinosa. my honey. my funny. my bunny. mine.

2007-10-27T08:15:00.000+08:00

mr and mrs antonio a. espinosa, jr.

october 20,2007

iloilo grand hotel

2007-10-15T20:42:00.000+08:00

http://www.ewedding.com/sites/honeybunny

2007-08-26T08:52:00.000+08:00

(thanks to myleene for the photo. i grabbed it from her friendster account.)

you wouldn't believe how horrified i was seeing my high school photo (top) with my hair looking so singed! and i was so dark!!! hahaha (that's me on the extreme left!) i bet most friends would be surprised by the transformation and wondering if i underwent hair treatments and skin whitening. hahaha yes for the hair treatments. i tried hair straightening and rebonding. back in high school, i was only shampooing my thick and frizzy hair. i didn't know the existence of conditioners then! to make things worse, i regularly used aquanet to pump up the volume of my bangs, for goodness sakes! as for my then dark skin, well, i guess my skin started to lighten up when i discovered the wonders of sunblock. i also avoided the sun as much as possible. nope i did not even try any of those whitening products popularly advertised by the filipino actresses. but i did try using pond's detox cream for sometime.

i still cringe everytime i stare at the top photo with riva, myleene, and leah from high school. i mean our hair is one thing and our attire needs a separate blog entry altogether! but looking at the "now" photo (lower photo also features myleene's daughter, bella. leah was in mindanao at this time and wasn't able to join us) i can't help but smile that after all these years, bad hair days included, we're still friends. we've had our ups and downs in our friendship,too, but i guess it was just a test on far we would go.

hooray for friendship! thank God we looked way so much better now!!! hahahaha

2007-08-25T16:32:00.000+08:00

***Your Superpower Should Be Mind Reading***
You are brilliant, insightful, and intuitive.You understand people better than they would like to be understood.Highly sensitive, you are good at putting together seemingly irrelevant details.You figure out what's going on before anyone knows that anything is going on!
Why you would be a good superhero: You don't care what people think, and you'd do whatever needed to be done
Your biggest problem as a superhero: Feeling even more isolated than you do now
What Should Your Superpower Be?http://www.blogthings.com/whatshouldyoursuperpowerbequiz/

2007-08-19T09:21:00.000+08:00

it was karaoke day for me and i was so surprised to see "love changes everything" from the musical "aspects of love" in the list! i had the privilege of watching the manila production some years back with my friends from theatre and it was such a complicated love story, i think i left the theatre with a splitting headache! but of course, the music i found divine especially this one. suddenly, a rush of varied emotions swept over me and i couldn't help but remember the pains, the foolishness, the pathetic years, the waiting, the almost-giving up, the apprehensions, and the spring of a new love. the deluge was too much to handle at one time. heck, love really changes everything!

Love, Love changes everything:
Hands and faces, Earth and sky,
Love, Love changes everything:
How you live and How you die
Love Can make the summer fly,
Or a night Seem like a lifetime.
Yes, Love, Love changes everything:
Now I tremble At your name.
Nothing in the world will ever Be the same.
Love, Love changes everything:
Days are longer, Words mean more.
Love, Love changes everything:
Pain is deeper Than before.
Love Will turn your world around,
And that world Will last for ever.
Yes, Love, Love changes everything,
Brings you glory, Brings you shame.
Nothing in the World will ever Be the same.
Off Into the world we go,
Planning futures, Shaping years.
Love, Bursts in, and suddenly
All our wisdom Disappears.
Love Makes fools of everyone:
All the rules We make are broken.
Yes, Love, Love changes everyone.
Live or perish In its flame.
Love will never, Never let you Be the same.

2007-08-08T11:41:00.000+08:00

if there's one change that i am really adamant about is the change in chocolate content! news today in the US about substituting vegetable oil instead of cocoa butter in chocolate is alarming! how can that be chocolate without the cocoa? duh? name it something else like pseudo-chocolate or perhaps south-beach-diet chocolate or just name it something else. to actually append chocolate to it is a sacrilege!

oh no! whatever happened to purity? to perfection? to desire? to temptation? to dark and sweet?

i want my chocolate! the real one!

http://www.ghirardelli.com/

2007-08-04T14:32:00.000+08:00

pretty soon i'll be single no more. it's an overwhelming feeling to be finally saying goodbye to thirty three years of being able to speak your mind on a lot of things. not that i will stop. me? never! life is full of things to discover and share with the persons you love and care about or even to the world! i will always have this space, this corner, my repository of thoughts and feelings.

i can't help but wonder, though, will i be limited to stories of wifehood and motherhood the moment i cross the threshold of married life? what will happen to the jorvy of today? the one who talks about chocolate cakes and body massages; who can rave and rant about the latest novelty finds; who endlessly talks about being in love; who stays in front of the computer for hours just to share views with others; who sings, plays the guitar and the piano; who fusses over little things; who reads books; who still aspires to work in an international organization; who still dreams of becoming an actress; who plans on going to trips all over the world?

how will this impending change affect her?

will i then be talking about waking up in the wee hours of the morning to feed the baby? changing diapers and looking for the best baby products? talking about my quest into finding the perfect cerelac flavor? or, perhaps talking about what color is best suited for our baby's room, the one that can match all his/her clothing? or, maybe i will talk about the travails of being a wife and how a nag i can be! perhaps i will also rant about my disappearing waistline and how ugly and "losyang" (unkempt; no finesse?unglamorous?) i would feel.

another chapter is about to close and a new one will open.

the scales are now slowly tipping over for marital life. it's just a matter of weeks now.

whoa. mrs. antonio a. espinosa, jr. will this new name make me less of a jorvelyn p. jaruda?

or, will i mutate into someone else? someone i don't have the privilege to get to know yet.

only one way to find out!

will have to walk down the aisle and leaf through the new chapter of my life.

ahh, such truth in the adage: the only thing that remains constant is indeed, change.

2007-08-04T14:26:00.000+08:00

LIBRA - The Lame One.
Nice to everyone they meet. Their Love is one of a kind. Silly, fun and sweet. Has own unique appeal. Most caring person you will ever meet! However not the kind of person you wanna mess with...you might end up crying.

2007-07-25T16:25:00.000+08:00

whether my trip to the US did me good is something that i still have to ask my family and friends. if you're a typical filipino, you would always yearn to go to the States. it represents something far-fetched, a dream, a world of opportunity, a "pot of gold" at the end of the rainbow. no typical filipino can be faulted for aspiring to go there at least once. some for vacation, perhaps, but mostly for work and the chance to earn dollars. i am not most so i went there for a vacation. still, i couldn't help but think of the vast opportunities that awaited my fate. once you're there, you cannot help but be lured by the lifestyle of the filipino nurses earning as much as $60 per hour for a 12-hour workday. some would even extend up to 16 hours a day! which does not leave pretty much time for leisure but in return you get your own house and car...and more! the disparity is indeed glaring. for an 8-hour workshift in philippine hospitals, you only get paid around Php 400-500 a day or roughly $9-10! if you further break it down into pesos per hour it's somewhere aroung Php60-70 per hour or a measly $1 point-something dollar per hour! see the discrepancy? so, economically, it's really a viable place to work your butt off in the US. same time, same effort, loads of cash!

but, as the saying goes, you win some, you lose some. the stakes are high, though, in exchange for the good life. you are uprooted from everything you have called home for half of your life. you will have to start everything anew from looking for a place to stay, meeting new friends, and trying to survive in a place where you are sometimes looked upon as an "intruder." can't blame them. you are an alien in their own country yet you earn more and gets hold of the higher position. it also doesn't help that you are just around 5 feet tall and has brown skin.

i returned home with dreams of working in the States one day. perhaps as a teacher. who knows? but after a month and a half of vacation, i just couldn't help but look forward to going home. i am glad i went there and saw how things work and go. i am glad i met my long-lost friends. i am glad i got to see different sights and been to places i've never imagined i could be in! it was fun. but it's just not home.

2007-07-19T11:31:00.000+08:00

i have baffling thoughts these past few days. i was so bored i almost cried one night not knowing what to do! i hurriedly demanded that wewin go back to iloilo. it was a desperate and frustrating attempt because while here i am just nagging and looking for things to do, there he was busy with his commitments and working. for the nth time in my life, idleness is upon me once again.

this constant searching of who i really am and what i want in life still leaves me with no coherent answer. i can still recall sister yasa from dlsu asking me, "what is your passion?" for some it is an easy answer. for me, just confusion and indecision.

i felt i was destined for far greater things, oftentimes incomprehensible to everyone. i run here and there. i want to try this and try that! novelty excites me! traveling to new places and learning about new cultures piques my interest! i love sitting down in a corner and just read! i love spending time with people! oh, and i just love hunting for the best desserts in town! i also like taking photos especially when i am in it and i love creating things out of it! obviously i love expressing my thoughts and dreams to people! i am mushy and easily pleased! if wewin were to give me chowking's pork siomai with nai cha as a gift, i'd be most thrilled! i like playing with my niece, cloie, and enjoy singing nursery rhymes for her! i love baking and cooking! i can't wait for my next belly-dancing workout! did i mention that i am a sucker for body lotions, moisturizers, sunblock protection, lip gloss, and hair products? don't you just feel pampered going to the salon and have your nails done or going to the spa for a hard body massage? so, what's wrong with this picture?

in the movie batman featuring katie holmes as the lady interest of bruce wayne, she made this mind-reeling statement, "it is what you do that defines you." i literally stopped mid-air and with my mouth open, my mind flickered on and off wondering if that statement was a sign from heaven and really intended for me. so i asked myself, "what is it that you do jorvy that can define you?" and i said, "nothing."

and the baffling thoughts wouldn't stop as well as the still desperate and frustrating attempts to make wewin come home.

2006-06-22T12:05:00.000+08:00

to blog or not to blog

not that i wanted to remain anonymous forever. but i didn't want to compromise my privacy either. so, there goes the conflict - i want to but i don't want to. based on what i am reading right now, "critical pedagogy" by joan wink, this is what you call a dialectic, wherein you try to acknowledge the opposing views and try to unravel the whats and whys of each. tension-filled it may be, learning is nevertheless ongoing.

which is why i have a blogspot.

i have always kept a journal. i have several diaries at home that documented my high school, college, and law school years. most of them were actually accounts of whether i saw my crush on that particular day, what clothes he was wearing, or whether or not he looked my way, or whether he acknowledged the fact that i exist. sometimes, i would also talk about my frustrations, my angst, my desperations, my broken heart, my regrets, my failures, and my taste of success. these ramblings, thoughts, and desires were written down on paper and i tried to hide it away from prying eyes, especially that of my sister and mother, who were constantly inside my room. (well, they're my best friends in the entire world and we share a lot of secrets and we engage in a lot of chats - spirited or otherwise - and we always connect in more ways than one. it's more than consanguinity or even affinity. i think it's because my mother has always treated us as friends.) and that is why if there's one thing that i really kept only to myself, it would have to be my thoughts jotted down on paper. they were all mine to see and re-read from time to time.

keeping a diary is like confiding to someone all your deepest, darkest secrets without a care from its end that you are going to be judged. it's just there. a repository of thoughts. no critique, no feedback. passive. harmless. but, of course, i cannot deny the fact that i was at some point paranoid about diary-napping! what if someone stole it? what if my mother and sister reads it? gosh! the embarrassment! well, that's how i viewed it then. it's like being stripped naked! that is why when i first came out with my online blog, i likened it to me having to strip before a vast audience - the world. and i asked myself? am i ready? am i willing to be subjected to judgment? will i be receptive to critique and feedback? can i accept it?

which is why i have this "dialectic," so to speak. at the other end of the spectrum, there's the me that wants to be a part of this global village and join in its community. and how i love it here! ideas, thoughts, dreams are everywhere! i love reading about other people's stories and adventures. sometimes i can relate, sometimes i am introduced to new things. it's exhilarating! i cannot contain myself and i just had to say a word or two myself. and then it became sentences. then paragraphs. and, then an entire composition. awesome but a little scary at first. but, like a little child i am slowly but surely finding my way in this vast world. it's also empowering to know that i have a voice here. and that one way or the other i can be heard and my words will hopefully echo somewhere far away.

but, the conflict is not yet resolved. that's why i had to hide under the name "geisha incarnate." for some weird reason, i am drawn to the concept of a geisha. i think they are intelligent, creative, artistic, determined, loyal, and powerful. and, yet they project innocence, fragility, and vulnerability. i guess, in more ways than one, i'd like to believe i'm like them. only freer and not bound to any danna or an okiya.

compromise. that's what i am doing now. giving in to the demands of both sides - little by little. and it's a work in progress. i am actually getting to know a lot about me because of this. and i relish it.

in the meantime, my corner is not yet discovered and it's a thrill knowing that someday soon, someone will stumble upon my thoughts. i welcome exchange of ideas. and i believe i am ready for feedback.

so, dear Net wanderer, welcome to my spot. feel free to leave your mark.:)

2006-05-30T19:10:00.000+08:00

i've had one too many but i just can't seem to stop myself! i don't just crave, i DESIRE!there's that innate longing for anything that can satisfy my tastebuds and in my search for the best, i pride myself in going through the forest, so to speak, searching high and low, no matter how far, no matter how tedious. yes, when i am on the prowl for the best...i leave no stone unturned. or, ensaymada for that matter.

yup! i finally concluded my search for the best ensaymada in this part of the country. i have a sweet tooth and i have a penchant for anything unique. so when i accidentally came across "perfect ending's" dulcemada- wow - this ensaymada just blew me away!and it wasn't just me! wewin, my honey, truly loved it!we went to his friend's birthday party and there was this pale blue box being passed around. no one was really minding it at first then i distinctly remembered having the privilege of discovering the wonders that beheld such an unassuming box. it looked as if it was just another ensaymada. it looked "cute."not your usual big-sized ensaymada. looked like teacakes to me at first. when i removed the plastic cover i was delighted to see almond chips scattered on top of it!it looked so dainty in my hands. but nothing prepared me for that first bite. as i sank it in between my teeth, my senses were jolted into what could have the sweetest surprise of all! caramel! then, my mouth just went nuts! then i had another one..and another one. not long after, everybody on the table was a convert. and surprisingly, most of the guys really loved it and some even pocketed one or two for take-out!

well, i tried the other ensaymadas around and they each have their own unique qualities. but at the end of the day, all you can just think about is the ensaymada that you would want to eat over and over again. something that you would still look forward to even if you had to order it at least a day before. even if you had to travel the distance just to pick it up from its bakery. even if the one who took your order bungled so bad the first time you vowed not to order anymore. thank God i didn't have to do that because the owner herself called me up and went to my office to apologize and deliver my order..much to my sheer delight! not only that..she also gave me an extra - a marjolaine! yumyum! what do you know? sweetness personified.:)

until i find something better..."perfect endings" is it for me! hmm..i think i should order soon. :)

2006-05-19T13:28:00.000+08:00

sometimes you wish life is just a grand vacation.no worries, no stress, no pressures, no deadlines, no bosses.how you wish you can just wake up anytime you want, eat and drink at your convenience, dress however you like, not watching how you guffaw or make inappropriate gestures without a care in the world, twirl, jump, play, and mess up your room!sigh. just like when you were a child and you were still unexposed to the rigid and conventional life of an adult, that is, always having to conform to norms. what was it that was robbed from us? our innocence? our childlike qualities? our lack of manners?

hard, yes. but as you grow old, things change. even the way you saw things before.they all change. you try to assess and reassess and reflect and at the end-trail of your thoughts, you wonder what was it you actually thought about. you go to the process of evaluating and assessing and justifying things that you end up not appreciating things just for the way it was. sometimes, things are just best felt and experienced. period. no what-ifs and buts. simple. uncomplicated.which life should be after all.

sigh. i am old and i miss being a child. at times, i just want to go home and be with my mother and father. just want to spend time with them. i want to be cuddled, my hair stroked, my parents telling me stories, my mother singing me lullabies, and just be an obnoxious sister to my brothers and sister.how time flies. and i am now turning 33.

on the other hand, as an adult i have to face my responsibilities. i have to work, pay my rent and all expenses, and save for my wedding. the last item i have been trying to do for the last year but in vain. at night, i would resolve not to get married anymore.the prospect of having a family is even worse thinking about! with the rising cost of living, i have to think whether or not i am responsible enough to bring someone into this world. will my child be raised well? and i still think about these things as i turn 33.

i am paranoid 'cause i want everything to be perfect. but there is no such thing as perfect. and i am only at odds with myself.

how i wish i do not think as much and how i wish i do as much.

2005-12-10T15:20:00.000+08:00

it's hard to maintain sanity with my current preoccupation. i feel like i am falling down into a bottomless pit. just falling. free-falling. i can't wait to land on the ground and just stay there for sometime and sit still. the pull of gravity is of such force that i can feel myself reeling, out of breath, out of control, and paranoid. i feel like i am spiralling down to an escalating descent purging my mind with all sense of reason. my mind is muddled and i cannot think straight. everything seems to be governed by doubts, confusion, vulnerability, and more doubts, confusion, and vulnerability. i am devoid of any warmth and spirit. it is like my spirit has left my body and i am just a thing or object gravitating towards the earth. what i will find at the bottom of the pit is something i just don't know.and this knowledge of ignorance is killing me! i want to know yet i don't want to. i am afraid.